


an unending paradigm shift

by coffins



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Character Study, F/F, Gen, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, Self-Discovery
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-18
Updated: 2020-08-18
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:27:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,583
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25972111
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/coffins/pseuds/coffins
Summary: Miwa likes girls (and she's also a girl).
Relationships: Haiba Alisa/Kageyama Miwa, Kageyama Miwa/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 2
Kudos: 35





	an unending paradigm shift

**Author's Note:**

> not beta read.

Ever since Miwa was a little girl, she knew that she liked girls.

It wasn’t like it was a big deal or anything; she liked girls, and that was it. When the topic of boys and the like came up in the playground with her childhood friends, all fuzzy faces now, all she had to do was stick her tongue out and ask why she would want to kiss a dirty boy and point to the nearest mud stricken boy. All her friends would laugh and they’d go on to play with the mud themselves like they weren’t hypocrites in that manner.

When she was a bit older, around maybe seven years old, she noticed her parents avoiding a certain shop they used to frequent in the past. She would tug on their shirts and ask why they wouldn’t go there anymore and huff in frustration when they smiled and told her they could go to another store instead. When she asked Kazuyo-san, his eyes would avoid hers and he would tell her she could still go there if she wanted without telling her the answer she sought.

However, she noticed another Takahashi-san who moved to their town about two years ago whenever she passed by their shop when going home from school. Her eyes caught on with the way her parents used to act when they were still always at home, laughing and teasing each other with quirked eyebrows and sly smiles. But these were just guesses from what she could see when she was passing the story.

Still, it didn’t take too much to put two and two together.

Tobio was born just a year after that, so she didn’t think too much about it when her parents came home with a bundle of cloth in her dad's arms. She had a baby brother to look after, and she was going to be the starting setter on her team that year.

First year high school. Miwa got herself a boyfriend when one of her childhood friends bowed in front of her and asked her out. The same childhood friend she’d frequently point at when she denied she’d ever get a boyfriend.

It’s not like she couldn’t say no to him. Eiji would understand why she would turn him down and they would continue to be friends like nothing happened at the old playground where they continued to hang out, damn the clear night sky that provided the perfect atmosphere for a confession.

Still, she reached out and made him look at her eyes when she said yes.

Why? Why?  _ Why _ ?

Did it have something to do with her teammate, a girl named Nakamura Keiko? A talented libero who befriended her on her first day on the team? A girl with short brown hair who smiled at her and constantly gave her a thumbs-up whenever she ran under a ball and sent it up perfectly to a hitter? A friend who found her during their fifteen-minute break time and sat down on the ground beside her, always silent like there was something they wanted to say but couldn’t? Someone who walked home with her, shadows aligned with the setting sun and shoulders even closer as they talked about school, and the club, and everything else?

Did it have something to do with the fact they took a detour to that old playground under the clear, starry skies, sat down on the swings and laughed until that familiar silence settled in and Keiko held her hand like it was right and told her she liked her?

Maybe. But Miwa wasn’t one to jump to conclusions.

The summer before her last year in high school, her parents finalised their divorce and Takahashi-san and his partner moved out. It was something that was always bound to happen and it didn’t really upset Miwa when it happened. She watched her parents help each other out as they slowly packed her mother’s things away in boxes. Tobio, only ten years old looked unfazed by it all but glared at the boxes when he thought no one else was looking (although, for a moment, Miwa thought that Tobio only glared at the boxes because they were making a mess).

As for Takahashi-san and his partner, Amano-san, they were going to move back to Tokyo so they could take care of family business. Miwa helped them move boxes to their car with Keiko by her side.

“Thank you, Kageyama-san, Nakamura-san,” Takahashi told them. “We’ll sorely miss this place.”

“Are you sure?” Keiko asked, unwrapping an energy bar she produced from her pockets. “It might be better in Tokyo.”

Amano laughed and scratched his cheek. “It’s still pretty annoying. And we’re only moving back because of my family. It’s not friendly just because it’s a bigger city,” he said.

“Yeah, well we have to go. You girls go home now!” Takahashi said, shooing them away while giving them both a slip of paper. “If you ever want to visit one day, there’s our address!”

“Alright! Bye, ji-ji! Amano-san!” Keiko waved goodbye as she ran ahead, leaving Miwa alone.

Miwa was only just seventeen years old, just a student in Shiratorizawa Academy, grappling with herself and her family and herself. And the only people to help her out, adults she could somewhat trust and seek help from, were leaving her alone.

Miwa turned around to face the two men. “Bye, Takahashi-san. Amano-san. Thanks for making this place a bit more bearable.” She bowed low and felt tears prick her eyes.

“Hey, don’t bow, and don’t cry. You can always give us a call, or just talk to Keiko-chan. And you have our address if you ever feel unsafe, okay?” Takahashi said.

“Okay. Thank you,” Miwa bowed then ran after Keijo who had her hands on her hip when she caught up with her.

Keiko nudged her shoulder with hers. “It’ll be fine. Just one more year and we’ll graduate from high school and you can leave, like they are.” She said.

Miwa sighed and started her walk home. “Yeah. Just one more year.”

Leaving town was too easy for Miwa. She was never close to her parents; Tobio was doing fine with volleyball and she promised to text him when she could; Kazuyo-san hugged her tight and told her he was proud of her and felt regretful he couldn’t leave the hospital to see her off. But that was fine.

She only needed one person to see her off when she boarded her train to Tokyo.

They were in the public restroom, Miwa shaking her hands from the water while Keiko sat on the counter beside the sinks, swinging her legs as she waited.

“Call me when you get there, okay?”

Miwa looked at Keiko and nodded slowly. “Okay. I will.”

“Tell me if anyone’s a creep to you, okay?”

“I will.”

“Stay safe there. Wear pants as much as possible and don’t get involved in anything shady.”

“I will. And I’m going there to study hair and makeup, Keiko. Not join the yakuza,” Miwa scoffed, affronted at the idea that she would do anything “shady” as Keiko suggested.

“But you might catch the eye of some Yakuza heiress while you do her hair for her one day, you know?”

“This isn’t some kind of anime, y’know,”

They left the restroom and stood by the waiting area, suitcase in tow while Miwa carried her bag. It was heavy, filled with things she called important from her room in her dad’s house. But she didn’t mind the weight at all.

It meant she was moving away, lifting her anchor with her own hands and dragging it somewhere where she could explore her own identity better and maybe, be proud of it.

“I’ll miss you.”

Miwa looked up and looked at her friend. “Me too. But I’ll do my best to text you when I can.” She said.

“We’re both going to be busy now. You have your makeup and hair thing and I have volleyball,” Keiko slipped her hands in her green and yellow jacket, a gift she got from the representatives of the team that contacts her. “And it’s going to be a bit lonelier now.”

Miwa frowned. “You act like you don’t have a partner waiting for you to go home,”

“That’s not the point! Seiko didn’t grow up here like we did,” Keiko kicked the ground, turning away to face the outside of the station, the soft orange light caught on the edges of her hair. “I’m going to miss you because you’re my friend and you  _ understand _ .”

The silence stretched on and Miwa was reminded of the silence that used to hang over them when they were younger, afraid and full of doubt. It was easier to speak now that they were older, but that didn’t mean Miwa couldn’t feel her hands tremble behind her back when she spoke up.

"Yeah. We both like girls. You have a girlfriend your parents don't know about and no one in my family knows." Miwa could hear the familiar rumble of a train arriving closer to the station so she adjusted the strap on her shoulder and took her suitcase from Keiko's hands. "But you're not alone. You're probably going to meet more people like us. I mean, you have a girlfriend. And you can always tell her about what happened. I'm not the only one in your life."

In front of them, the train came to a halt and the doors opened wide, a single person going down with only a bag on his shoulders. Miwa looked away from Keiko and took one step in the train when a hand held onto her wrist.

"Keiko?"

Miwa turned around and was thrown back by Keiko hugging her tight.

"Just keep me in your life, okay?" Keiko whispered, holding her tighter.

Miwa returned the hug. "Of course."

Slowly, the let go of each other and Miwa fully boarded the train with all her belongings. The doors slid shut and the train started to move. Keiko ran along as long as she could, waving her arm while she did. Miwa stayed by the door until the station was no longer visible.

Leaving town wasn't as easy as Miwa hoped it would be.

"Kageyama-san, please go out with me!"

"Sorry, I can't. But I'm flattered, thank you," Miwa bowed at the photographer then stood up straight, brushing back her hair behind her ear. "I'll see you around, Kenta-san."

Miwa made her hasty retreat, walking back to the studio so she could get her bag and head back to her apartment. She didn't have time to stick around and see what might happen should she see Kenta again.

Once she had her things, she said goodbye to her coworkers and left, walking faster than usual. She's had enough bad experiences where men would continue to ask her  _ why _ and if she was dating  _ someone else _ , continuing to tower over her until she felt tiny and powerless, something she wanted to remain as a memory in her hometown and not  _ there _ .

Once she got on the train, she found an empty seat and finally relaxed. Taking out her phone, he opened her messaging app and texted her girlfriend at the moment.

Miwa: :( Some guy asked me out again at work.

Rei: was he a creep

Miwa: I don't know. I just left. 

Rei: ok come home i made curry!

Miwa: Did you put a soft boiled egg on top?

Rei: of course <3

Miwa: I'll be home soon.

Miwa put her phone away and took a look around. The car was suddenly packed with more passengers when she wasn't paying attention. She was about to look away when she noticed the man beside her leaning suspiciously forward while a woman wearing a white dress was holding onto a pole.

Luckily for both of them, Miwa was wearing pants that day. She stood up from her seat and tapped the woman's shoulder, offering her seat to her. The woman with light, almost silvery hair blinked at her then broke out into a big smile, and suddenly Miwa couldn't fucking breathe.

"Thank you! I was tired from standing around all day, you're too kind!" The woman's Japanese was slightly accented but she was without a doubt, fluent in the language.

"It's no problem," she said, keeping her voice straight.

Miwa watched the woman sit down beside the creep who was now looking away.

At last, the train arrived at her stop and she got down, starting her walk back to her shared apartment with her girlfriend. The memories of the beautiful woman were shoved aside when she arrived home to the smell of fresh curry.

"Tadaima!" Miwa took off her shoes and headed to the kitchen where her girlfriend was waiting for her.

The sun was setting when she stepped off the bus where Keiko was waiting for her.

It was a silent ride to her old house. Keiko left her at her home with a quick hug and a promise to go with her to the hospital the next day. They didn't talk about how her career was in a precarious situation. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe someday. Maybe never.

It was Tobio who opened the door for her but it felt strange seeing him taller than her with a face that looked like he'd been dragging something behind him the past few years she was gone.

"Where's mom and dad?" Miwa asked him.

Tobio turned around and shrugged. "Hospital maybe," his voice sounded hollow.

Miwa entered her room and wondered why no one decided to make it some sort of storage room. It was almost exactly as she left it, the only difference being the curtains and the sheets on her bed. Everything else was the same.

At the same time, everything was different.

But Miwa still had to unpack and settle down so she took her clothes out from her bag and went out from her bedroom to go to the bathroom to take a bath. On her way down, Tobio brushed past her, wearing clothes clearly meant for running. She was about to call out to him and tell him not to go out at such a late hour when she realised she didn't have the authority to tell him that. So instead, she watched him put his running shoes on and leave the house with a soft thud from him closing the door.

When she was alone in the bathroom, stripped down naked with water washing over her, she bowed her head and put her hands together and cried for everything that's changed and everything that didn't.

It was a strange feeling as she knocked on the door of Takahashi-san.

In a minute or two, the older man opened the door and it was a sight to see his eyes grow wide when he realised who it was in front of him.

“Miwa-chan! You’re here!” He welcomed her in and led her to his living room. “You cut your hair!”

“It feels lighter,” Miwa answered.

His house was definitely bigger than most houses around the block and for a moment, Miwa wondered what exactly Takahashi-san’s job was in Tokyo. In the past, when he still lived in Miyagi, there were times when sleek black cars were parked near the storefront, sending the neighbourhood to gossipping more about the couple who ran the place.

“Where’s Amano-san?” Miwa asked, putting her bag down.

Takahashi took out a pot from a cupboard and looked back at her. “He’s out walking our dog. Do you want tea, Miwa-chan?”

“That’s fine. Thank you.”

Miwa sat down at the dining room as she watched Takahashi brew the leaves in a blue porcelain teapot. When he was done, he poured her a cup and sat down across her.

“So, what’s the matter? We haven’t seen you in years,” Takahashi said.

Miwa bowed. “I’m sorry for not keeping in touch. But… it’s… I just wanted to see you both again,” she said. “Kazuyo-san just died a month ago.”

“Oh… I’m sorry about that, Miwa-chan. You two were closer than you were with your parents, right?” He asked.

“How could I? They were never home,” Miwa felt like she was in high school again, tired with the world, tired with her parents fighting, tired with volleyball and everything else. She put her hands together and wondered why  _ exactly  _ she went to his house in the first place.

“Did you tell him?”

At those words, Miwa froze. She remembered the hospital, how it always smelled like bleach. She remembered sitting down beside her grandfather, the man who basically raised her and taught her so many things she only realised now were important. She remembered holding his hand and the pressure from him squeezing it as he smiled at her from under the oxygen mask that was keeping him tethered to this world.

“I… I wanted to. But I couldn’t. He was already dying. What if he suffered more?” Her voice trembled, the way it wouldn’t when she was giving her eulogy during the funeral. “I wanted to tell him everything.”

“Miwa-chan… are you okay?"

Miwa looked up and shook her head. “I wish I told him. Now he’s dead and I can’t. I want to tell him I like girls and I wish he told me it would be fine. I want him to accept me even if I’m a lesbian and I wish everyone else would. I want men would leave me alone when I wear a skirt or when I go to a bar. Why would I be  _ okay _ !?”

The silence stretched on and on and on and on and on.

Miwa picked up her cup and took a drink from it. “Thank you for the tea.”

It was a sunny day when someone takes a seat across Miwa.

The woman who did was familiar with her white, almost silver hair, and her- holy fuck her smile.

“Are you the woman from the train?” Miwa asked, feeling stupid as she did because of course, it was the woman from the train. How could she forget that smile of hers that so thoroughly burned itself in her mind for several days?

“I am! I wasn’t able to thank you more that day and it just so happened that I see you here!” The woman said. “I’d like to treat you out for, maybe lunch? Or dinner, if that’s fine with you.”

“I- huh?” Miwa blinked at the woman in bewilderment. She had only let her take her seat that day. “For letting you sit down?”

The woman laughed and maybe, Miwa’s heart raced so much that she was reminded of the days she stood in a court, with her hands positioned over her head, blood rushing to her ears as she sent the ball to the wing spiker that led them to victory. Except this time, she was just a woman, a hair and makeup artist sitting outside a random cafe she happened to come across with a woman who looked at her like she was the only thing worth looking at in the entire universe and more.

“There was a man behind me. I really do appreciate it… oh. I don’t even have your name!” The woman looked at her expectantly, head tilted to the side.

“My name is Kageyama Miwa. It’s nice to meet you.”

“My name is Alisa Haiba,” Alisa put her hand over hers. “It’s nice to know you at last.”

Miwa: Good luck with your game!

Keiko: dont wish me luck

Keiko: congratulate me when we win instead

Miwa: Fine, fine. See you then!

Keiko:  (☆｀• ω •´)ｂ

Miwa sighed and flopped on her old childhood bed, enjoying the smell of fresh detergent and the presence of her girlfriend by her side.

“Shouldn’t we be getting ready to go to the arena? I think Tobio-kun is downstairs already,” Alisa poked her cheek.

“Let him wait.”

Alisa laughed but stood up and put her hands on her hips. “Let’s just go already! C’mon!”

Miwa laughed and raised her hands up for Alisa to pull up. “Help me up then,” she said.

As always, Alisa huffed but pulled Miwa up who was smiling all the way until she was sitting up on her bed.

“Thanks,” Miwa kissed Alisa quickly on her lips then stood up, pulling her jacket on and opening the door. “Let’s go?”

“I was just waiting for you. Ah, you’re lucky I love you,” Alisa took her hand and went down the stairs.

They both said goodbye to Miwa’s dad and found Tobio waiting for them outside the house.

“Slow,” Tobio muttered.

“I’m sure I can still outrun you,” Miwa commented.

“You can’t. You don’t play volleyball anymore.”

“And isn’t Tobio-kun being scouted by the national team?” Alisa asked innocently.

Miwa rolled her eyes and gently pushed Tobio to the direction of her car. “Let’s go, let’s go. You don’t want to be late for your date with your teammate, don’t you?”

At that Tobio blushed pink and quietly entered the car, sinking in the backseat with his hands in the pockets of his jacket. Alisa went in the car next and Miwa got in the driver’s seat and drove away from her childhood house.

Miwa liked girls. It was probably a big deal to a lot of other people and it would take time before they’d accept that.

But at the very least, at least she accepted that.

**Author's Note:**

> might ask someone to beta read this later and repost it here as an edit.


End file.
